Paging Bones to the Bridge, Bones, to the Bridge.

My 9 year old has poison ivy...or poison oak...poison something...a poisonous plant attacked him in the somewhere in the woods, and I would like to find said plant and poison it. Too harsh? No, I think not. This is our first foray down the itchy-rash road and I must say it's enough to make me put my kids in wader anytime they wander off the pavement. If I weren't afraid of them being labled "those freaking fishing pants wearing brothers", or the fact that playing soccer in rubber overalls is not without it pitalls, I would do it. We've had casts, stitches, sunburn, puncture wounds, cocksackie, croupe, cavities and colds. We've had the snotty nose that runs for five weeks straight and dries like cement on everything (especially anything black and fancy and more especially if I'm on my way out the door to something nice).

And can some tell me why childhood afflictions are akin to vampires and seem to rear their ugly heads only after the sun goes down? After the pharmacy has closed and just before I lay my weary head to rest. Why? The itchy stuff is particularly irritating (pun intended) - it's like Chinese water torture. The more you tell the itch-er to "stop itching - your only making it worse", the more...they...must...scratch.

It slowly drives them insane, which drives me insane. "Just CALM down. The Benedryl will kick in in a minute." "I know its been a minute. It will take a couple MORE minutes. Just give it a minute...I mean SOME TIME to work." "Yes - a couple is 2, you're right. Ok give it TIME. STOP SCRATCHING!" "I'm NOT YELLING. Just stop scratching!" "Stop. If you wake up your brothers I'm going to be REALLY mad. CALM DOWN." "Do you want an ice pack?" "It might work, lets try it!" "Ice is supposed to be cold! Its ICE. OK - so it doesn't work. "Nooo...I didn't say it "would" work, I said it "might" work..."

And on and on until your promising your child a Corvette and a hooker on their 18th birthday just to get them to stop scratching and go to sleep. How long to we have to wait for scientist to invent a shot like Bones used on Star Trek? The one that instantly knocks you out and cures you at the same time - leaving you to sleep it off under those funky shiny blankets. Until then, I curse you, poison plants.