I walked around a few weeks ago with an industrial size can of raid and sprayed everything that was not man-made in my basement and garage. Cobwebs and odd shaped sticks could not outrun my trigger finger. I sprayed until I choked with the fumes, then I sprayed holding my breath. I yelled at the kids if they came too close, I doubled back and sprayed everything two or three times. Especially the webs that look like tunnels that seem to be all over the place, hoping to God I was killing whatever was making them and that they would not panic and run in my general direction. My friend told me I should look them up on the internet, and they I wouldn't be so afraid of them - she herself had a yellow spider the size of a grapefruit outside her door (a Yellow Orb Spider, I believe) and had researched it and actually enjoyed watching it everyday. She is very, very brave.
I can do snakes. I like snakes, actually. I can do mice or rats - pft! Whatever. I even get excited when we catch site of the ROUS (rodant of unusal size) that sometimes pokes around our backyard. (We haven't figured out if its a woodchuck or beaver or a wolverine, but its big. It looks like its out there digging for bugs, so therefore, he is my friend.) Bugs, like syrup of ipicack, cause nausea and vomiting. They make me want to run, screaming like a pack of 4th grade girls running away from boys on the playground. I DO NOT tolerate them well.
So, while we're ooo-ing and ahh-ing over the baby deer and the wild turkeys dancing and singing (spring is mating season) across the backyard, I am biding my time. I know they are much smaller than me, and generally travel without helmets, leaving their little noggings un-protected from my shoe - but I also know they have speed on their side.
One about the size of my thumb nail brazenly walked across floor in front of me the other night. It was like I was in some Wild West movie - I swear I could hear that music that plays when the bad guy rides into town. It, like me, froze in position. I quickly looked around - trying not to be too obvious and give my intentions away - for some kind of weapon. Not my new People magazine, (I haven't read it yet), tissues don't offer enough protection, no shoes around, cup is too odd a shape and difficult to use if you don't get it on the first go. Reluctantly, I went with the dictionary. I got up slowly - and here is where I made my first mistake - slowly circled around it. Like it didn't have four million eyes and couldn't actually see in back of its head. I went in slowly to get closer then slammed the book down. I made some kind of growling noise I believe as I pushed the book into the ground. The I saw it. I had only caught three of its legs, and only the ends at that. Well, you might as well give it an oozy and let him snort some drugs, because now he's going crazy and I'm out of ammo. Now I am growling/screeching louder, pushing the dictionary harder, and panic has set in. I need to reload - he has moved himself into a corner I can't wedge the book into. Luckily, I was a girl scout, so am somewhat prepared, I think I finished him off with a catalog.
Charlotte be dammed, I would step on her just as soon as look at her. And her little spiders, too.
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