Silly Old Bear

My oldest is nine and a half.  I remember being 9 1/2.  I do have some memories earlier than that, but fourth grade...school, friends, summer camp...the memories are more real.  Know what I mean?  Playing at recess, learning to spell Library (an "a"? in lieberry?), riding our bikes to school and pretending they were horses, making forts in the forsythia bushes (complete with kitchen, bath, bedrooms and a horse stable), my mom screaming at us before church on Christmas Eve, learning how to ski - fun stuff like that. When I think about that - my son will have pretty accurate memories of life now - its a bit scary.  

It's like being a teenage babysitter and hearing about nanny-cam for the first time.  "I'm being graded on this?!   Someone can actually play back the tape??"  It's not like I locked the kids in the closet with a box of Ho-Ho's while I skimmed vodka from the liquor cabinet and watched porn while I was babysitting, but, um, what time was bedtime?  And you did say I could call my friends, right?  And no, I was not sleeping when you came home, I was meditating. (That said, I was an EXCELLENT babysitter - the kind of babysitter I wish I could find for my kids (yes, I see the irony).

A secret camera hidden in the house?  I think it would make Mother Theresa sweat - "Oh look! Blessed be!  A teddy bear!  All the way from the Vadican!  I knew they'd remember my birthday!  So very very thoughtful of ...um, wait a sec...is that at a ??? a camera?  No, no, they would never.... In the gosh darn bear??  WAIT!  Shoot and sugar on a busicut - did I...did I just pick my nose?  No, no, no, no, I didn't pick my nose, it was just an itch, nothing wrong with that...but...oh oh oh, my goodness,  jiminy crickets, would you look at that...how did that french manicure get on my nails???   I mean, I do speak french, but I would never...did you do that Mr. Bear?  Silly old, cute little bear?  I must have fallen asleep and someone played at trick...or maybe, yes - I must be working my fingers so hard that they have discolored themselves, yes, just worked to the bone!" (beaches and dreams bone-white and spring's blush of pink, actually) 

My nine and a half year old can now "play back the tape" and blackmail me.  I know you know what I mean.  And by the way, I put stuffed animals on high shelves before a babysitter comes over.

Time, time, time, see what's become of me.

 You know when you get a subliminal soundtrack to your life playing in your head?  You have no idea how they got in your head - I haven't been listening to Paul Simon or the Bangles lately (they both sang that song) - but there they are.  Stuck on repeat. repeat. repeat.  So lets take stock...

1.  I was just informed I have kidney stones. 

 Two, actually - one is big, the other one is bigger.  And I quote "Yeah, big - you'll never be able to pass them.  You'll need to se a specialist.  Of course, if you start having any sharp pain, you need to go to the ER."  I did a bit of reading online about it and learned that kidney stones are more common in men.  Men in their late 40's - 70's.  Excellent. 

2.  I had my teeth cleaned today and now I can't chew.

The hygienist asked me how long its been since I had my last cleaning.  I just brushed before I came, doesn't that count?  Apparently not.  She was trying to jog my memory - "One year?  Two years?  How old were your kids?  Did you have kids?"  No clue.  My 30 minute appointment was an hour, and lets just say the trailer for that movie "There Will Be Blood" kept flashing in my head.  She used power tools I didn't know were appropriate for medical use.  I believe she actually had to mop her brow.  When did they stop offering bubble gum flavored tooth cleaner? I was flossed and polished to within an inch of my life.  I now feel like I have a mouth full of chicklets.  Soft, sore, extremely smooth, chicklets.  I never looked better.

3.  I can say "I'm old enough to be your mother".

And not finish the thought with "if I was a child bride from Utah".

4.  I'm wondering if I'd look distinguished with my natural hair color.

I haven't had the time or energy to color my hair quite a while, so I have fairly long roots showing.  What to do.  I'm curious to see what it "really" looks like, but am worried I'm just going through a phase.  If I let my hair grow out, what will I do next?  Berkenstocks and body hair?  Breast feeding my children until they're old enough to date?  Am I getting sucked into this country thing?  Maybe all the trees up here created so much oxygen it makes you feel light-headed and clouds your judgement.  Mother Earth, help me.

I could go on with this list, but I'm getting tired and my eyes are getting puffy, so I better go.  I think tomorrow I'll dig out my Flashdance soundtrack and listen to "Man-Eater" over and over again.  Maybe I'll get myself inspired - shave my legs or something.   Maybe shower.